Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Be vigilant
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?