Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
💀 😭
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.