Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Check out the legs on this baby
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex