Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence