(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest