Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Saturday

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you