[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.