[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Investing in beetcoin
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?