Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.