[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
no cat here
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Are we there yet?…
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.