I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
mathematically impossible
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.