Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Get off my horse you stupid moon

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Finally

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂