Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.