Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.