Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

(more comics:

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.