Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Ion see the issue
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation