Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I just tested negative for patience.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.