Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Rambo Rambow
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.