Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
🌱🌱🌱
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business