Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I love the honesty
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Worst Native American name ever.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
then why did i get this email
