Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Rooting for the overdog
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.