Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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Found the job I’m suited for
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
serving silly goose instead of turkey
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead