pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: