Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay