pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Holy shit he’s back
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone