Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄