Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Not all heroes wear capes….
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re