Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I need to update my racial profile.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
nothing saves money like being antisocial
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I have so many questions.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home