Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
#MeanwhileinCanada
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit