Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.