Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
this will hang in the louvre one day
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET