Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
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App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The Weeknd is back
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you