Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

This guy’s not having it 😆

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

When I grow up, I want to be 16

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.