Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Tell the colonel to bring it

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol