Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!