Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

I’m tired tomorrow.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Dead
Alive
Other✔