Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
that wasn’t the question
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
All excellent questions
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards