Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless