Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
What about second breakfast?
