Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Worst perfume name ever.
HELP 😭
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
definitely did not do anything wrong
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.