Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?