Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

The 4 stages of a family vacation

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.