Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Comparing yourself to others

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.