Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space