Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither