Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.