Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit