Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.