Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I finally found a reason to live again.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’