Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Flock of bats
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
so this horse walks into a bar
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it