Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple