Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
This hospital has everything
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”