Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Support your local cemetery
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
guilty
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire