Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
![]()
You Might Also Like
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
![]()
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I think they could have phrased this better
![]()
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?