Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
i think both sides are to blame here
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.