Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
You Might Also Like
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*