“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Mapping America’s Far Right
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Got ya covered
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids