“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
…..pretty much.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*