Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
