Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Oddly specific
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
i hope my email finds you on fire
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.