prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth