prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring