Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.