Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink