Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.