[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Nothing.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed