[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Thursday
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids