Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
When I said I liked it rough.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My current situation
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga