Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

they really do be looking like this

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

🐟✨ #re4

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?