Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
bias laundering edition
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok