Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank