Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Lassie, get help!