Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My father claims there鈥檚 nothing like being independent and yet he hasn鈥檛 washed a dish since 1975.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I鈥檓 not afraid of ghosts because everyone who鈥檚 mad at me is still alive.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Him: I鈥檓 sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte馃檮
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
honey, bring out the fine china.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Mad Max Arctic Road
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fianc茅, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: 鈻堚枅鈻堚枅鈻堚枅鈻堚枅
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.