Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.