Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!